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Wednesday, September 08, 2004

 

US is a funny place

America's coasts are home to its most extreme characters. The common perception is that the East Coast is dirty, crowded and populated with rude, violent psychopaths, while the West Coast is all sunny beach front property peopled with drug-addled hippies and actors. While this is all true, it's hardly an accurate portrayal of the lifestyle of the remainder of the American population. You enter this world and you see Blacks, Chinese, Hispanics and Whites all speaking at least two languages, one usually English.

I could pick up phrases and words here and there but it is far enough from standard English to be an entirely distinct language. Verb conjugations are non-existent, everything is abbreviated and accented very heavily and vernacular expressions are standard. They even use words that we would consider diminutive in every day speech, like addressing each other as “boy”. And when they want to be polite and they want something from you, you are called “boss”. “Baad” means good, and “haaht” means “hard”. It's fascinating, especially when a Black man starts talking to you, like “Yaaah man”. They abbreviate “And then I said...” to “An nen I seh”.

It's a natural fact that humans are products of their environments of which language acquisition is a major part. So why is it that we have such a hard time getting over our preconceived notions that one language belongs to one people. When a black man speaks eloquently in unaccented, academic English, some blacks call him an “Oreo”. When a white kid speaks fluent street slang, some say he is a “poser”. But here, when you see a Chinese restaurant owner speak to his family in Cantonese and then turn to a black customer and start jawing away in this new language nobody bats an eye but me. At the end I just shake their hand and say “nice to meecha man.”

As I walk away I think about the natives, and just realized that the white settlers made room for shopping malls by herding the state’s Native American populace into tiny patches of land called “reservations.” Today those reservations are home to lucrative casinos, where gambling addicts from all over the Midwest come to blow their childrens’ college money.

Let us talk about the driving scene here now –
Americans love to drive. They don’t care much for their own kind, and certainly don’t like the idea of getting on a crowded subway train full of strangers. Instead, each American drives his own vehicle — the larger and less efficient, the better.

The most popular American automobile is the Sport Utility Vehicle. In your country, they are known as “tanks” or “anti-personnel vehicles.” Besides allowing motorists to sublimate their fears of penile inadequacy, SUVs are great for “off-roading” — that is, when their narrow wheelbase and high center of gravity tips them off the road and over an embankment, they can roll and roll with minimal damage to the outside of the vehicle.

It is important to note that driving under the influence of alcohol is illegal in America. Americans looking to cause car accidents instead use their cell phones and change CDs in the player while driving.


Only in America
1. ...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. ...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. ...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. ...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. ...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. ...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
[Just a passing thought: If people spent half the time planning their marriage that they spend planning their wedding, the divorce rate in US would be half of what it is.]

So what does Texas need to survive as a Republic?

NASA in Houston, Texas (we will control the space industry).
We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States.
Defense Industry (we have over 65% of it).
The term "Don't mess with Texas," will take on a whole new meaning!

Oil -
we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years.
Yankee states? Sorry about that.

Natural Gas -
Again we have all we need. Too bad about those northern states.
The president of 'rest of US' will figure a way to keep them warm....

Computer Industry -
we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications:
Small places like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, Compaq Computers, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Semiconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel, etc,etc.
The list goes on and on.

Health Centers -
We have the largest research centers for Cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, and a whole lot of other large health planning centers.

Learning Centers -
We have enough colleges to keep us going:
Texas Tech, University of Texas, Texas A&M, Rice, SMU, University of Houston, Baylor, University of North Texas, Texas Women's University, etc.
Ivy grows better in the south anyway.

We have a ready supply of workers (just open the border when we need some more).
We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc.
In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard.

We don't have an army but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 24 hours if we need it.
If the situation really gets bad, we can always call the Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over a couple of Texas Rangers.

We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and vegetable produce and everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. Don't need any food.

This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape.
There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.

Now to the rest of the United States:

Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only the President will be able to drive around in his 9 mile per gallon SUV.
The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.
You won't have any TV as the space center in Houston will cut off your communications.

Signed, The People in Texas


Just stumbled upon an interesting article on Why I'm an anti-anti-American

Comments:
I've stumbled across your blog when I done some internet
marketing research in Google. You're doing a pretty nice job
here, keep up the good work :-)

Sincerely,

Tosh
Webmaster/Publisher
computer gadget
 
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