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Saturday, July 23, 2005


Why we do, what we do?

Its been three months since I blogged properly. I don’t know why I am not blogging... well... that is a good thing in a way, as it probably shows there is no sorrow within me or work is keeping me busy. (true or not? )

Writing a blog is a significant time investment. But I feel, the benefits are also immense. It takes time for the benefits to accrue, while the time clock starts from day one. I have been maintaining four blogs now for over a year. The blog has its own value chain – to write, I need to read, think and build my own view of the world.

As I browse through my old journal entries, I realized that night after night intricate thoughts had haunt my mind in the past few years as frustration and disappointment that could not be blamed on any object caused me to toss in the darkness of my bedroom. The never evident conclusions to the endless questions forced me to break the shell and start writing an online blog. Fortunately I have always been surrounded by family and some close friends and in their absence I felt the need to vent out when I feel an emptiness and a sadness with the way I lead my life in this land far away and thus I started blogging.

These days I have been thinking (yeah I think!) – “Finding a purpose to one's life is the ultimate goal”. The thought process is like a deep dark tunnel with no end in sight - no answers and only more questions.

The uncertainty of my future is both horrifying and refreshing. I felt very unsure lately about the life that I am leading. I have spent a great deal of time battling my thoughts without yielding any conclusions. I feel as if I am in a situation that I cannot escape. I feel as if I am trapped in time and will never be able to gain my freedom. As I look back on my recent past I can only think of what I didn’t do, not what I did. I cannot see what I accomplished but only what I didn’t accomplish. I find myself wishing that many things could be different. When I think about my past, as I look to the future I become very anxious and weary. What is to become of me? What purpose am I to serve?

I have realized that searching and finding one's purpose in life is like being blind and then seeing. Like Andrew Crum says, “Without a purpose, darkness and uncertainty overcome the light and understanding in the world. Finding one's purpose is the cure for the frustration and disappointment in life.”

Alright again this leads me back to what I started to write before. It feels like all I am doing is go round and round the circle but haven’t found the center yet!! Anyways, so keep thinking... I still am...

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